draft 1
shut up bitch, just because i'm polite
means not that i can't fuck you up in daylight
them laughing, don't mean you're too smart
you're the alpha-female in a gang full of old farts
shut up bitch, just because i'm polite
i'm takin' your shit cause i am too nice
it's not my party, no, it's not my scene
i wouldn't wanna dirty someone else's clean
day, right?
shut up bitch, you're talkin' shit
just cause i'm complacent and this is my third hit
you don't seem to make sense, you don't speak in words,
your mouth unleashes unflushable turds
(and the face is a target for potty training birds)
word?
shut up bitch, you think you're too slick
like jelly coated (pause) not donuts but dick
wait right there, the records need some scratching
(one line scratching)
your so-called claws won't work against my hatchet
in my cuckoo nest, i killed nurse ratchet...
shut up bitch, just because i'm like that
i'm self deprecatory, i know you won't know that
so i got you a dictionary, you can better at combat
of wuh-rd artillery, unlike the pregnant wombat
that you are... period, you missed that.
shut up bitch, cause i've got the mic now,
it's a phallic symbol of my masculine powerhouse
no, i wouldn't rape you even if you spread your legs
i'd practice my aiming with a crate of rotten eggs
shut up bitch, respect the last stanza,
of this cowardly rhyming extravaganza
i could take you down but i had to fight it
but you couldn't stop cause you had to shyte it
all!
[ps: 13 year old me wrote this...]
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Nonsensical Mockumentary
I have lost my sense of nonsense. It needs to be found as soon as possible. My (in)sanity has been suffering from irreparable attacks and all my healing potions have been consumed in attempts to write, write propah fiction that I am working on on the side (Not like it helped a lot, but nevertheless was worth a try.)
I didn't know I would ever post a proper personal blog entry on any of my blogs but unfortunately, the time has come. I wish I could carry an axe in my pocket only to fish it out at the right moment and then start attacking people. Hey, that gives me an idea, attempting to write, and documenting that attempt to write.
The Axe Murderer
In a far away land lived an axe murderer. He was so passionate about murdering people that he started carrying a portable folding axe in the back pocket, the one in which he did not keep his wallet. He invented the special axe himself. The axe murderer was rumoured to have an IQ of 190. He loved Sharon Stone though. One day, he swore upon his own axe that if he ended up killing Sharon Stone by his axe, he would end his life. He never met Sharon Stone in his entire life. He did meet another axe murderer who after sharing a cup of coffee swung his axe straight through the centre of his chest.
The End.
Hmm, not a bad attempt at all. But definitely not a good nonsensical story. For example, the story did not at any point make you go, gasp, or WTF? It was just too simple to be nonsensical. There were no interrupting aliens or surfer dudes who interrupted that coffee date and not even a poster of Sharon Stone. Let's try and modify this ghastly attempt.
The Axe Murderer
Axe Murderer, the early days:
In a far away land lived an axe murderer. He had a beautiful wife who called herself Sharon Stone. She did a few movies like Basic Instinct. Axe Murderer, yes that was his name, was so passionate about murdering people that he started carrying a portable folding axe in the back pocket, the one in which he did not keep his wallet. He wasn't that bright as a child. When he was six, he had fallen straight on his forehead and damaged his frontal lobe. One particular day when he was 16, he met a bunch of aliens who were riding motorcycles and carrying giant surfboards which had tiny blue flying saucers printed on them.
Impressed by his axe-work and getting drunk on all the human blood that flowed, the aliens gifted him the ultimate folding axe. He loved Sharon Stone though. One day, he swore upon his own axe that if he ended up killing Sharon Stone by his axe, he would end his life. He did not end up killing Sharon Stone though he did meet another axe murderer who ended up raping Sharon Stone and driving the axe through her skull. Our hero was seriously pissed and committed suicide by hanging himself on his fan.
The End.
Here's a rough visual representation of how things happened:
Now, that's fairly decent nonsense but unfortunately, it doesn't have the required brevity that is needed to transmit the nonsense over from my side to yours. Though, you may note a new development in the style by adding images which are not necessarily coherent. Among other things wrong with this nonsensical story, the sentences are longer and not as tight as they need to be. But well, Fuck you!
I didn't know I would ever post a proper personal blog entry on any of my blogs but unfortunately, the time has come. I wish I could carry an axe in my pocket only to fish it out at the right moment and then start attacking people. Hey, that gives me an idea, attempting to write, and documenting that attempt to write.
The Axe Murderer
In a far away land lived an axe murderer. He was so passionate about murdering people that he started carrying a portable folding axe in the back pocket, the one in which he did not keep his wallet. He invented the special axe himself. The axe murderer was rumoured to have an IQ of 190. He loved Sharon Stone though. One day, he swore upon his own axe that if he ended up killing Sharon Stone by his axe, he would end his life. He never met Sharon Stone in his entire life. He did meet another axe murderer who after sharing a cup of coffee swung his axe straight through the centre of his chest.
The End.
Hmm, not a bad attempt at all. But definitely not a good nonsensical story. For example, the story did not at any point make you go, gasp, or WTF? It was just too simple to be nonsensical. There were no interrupting aliens or surfer dudes who interrupted that coffee date and not even a poster of Sharon Stone. Let's try and modify this ghastly attempt.
The Axe Murderer
Axe Murderer, the early days:
In a far away land lived an axe murderer. He had a beautiful wife who called herself Sharon Stone. She did a few movies like Basic Instinct. Axe Murderer, yes that was his name, was so passionate about murdering people that he started carrying a portable folding axe in the back pocket, the one in which he did not keep his wallet. He wasn't that bright as a child. When he was six, he had fallen straight on his forehead and damaged his frontal lobe. One particular day when he was 16, he met a bunch of aliens who were riding motorcycles and carrying giant surfboards which had tiny blue flying saucers printed on them.
Impressed by his axe-work and getting drunk on all the human blood that flowed, the aliens gifted him the ultimate folding axe. He loved Sharon Stone though. One day, he swore upon his own axe that if he ended up killing Sharon Stone by his axe, he would end his life. He did not end up killing Sharon Stone though he did meet another axe murderer who ended up raping Sharon Stone and driving the axe through her skull. Our hero was seriously pissed and committed suicide by hanging himself on his fan.
The End.
Here's a rough visual representation of how things happened:
Now, that's fairly decent nonsense but unfortunately, it doesn't have the required brevity that is needed to transmit the nonsense over from my side to yours. Though, you may note a new development in the style by adding images which are not necessarily coherent. Among other things wrong with this nonsensical story, the sentences are longer and not as tight as they need to be. But well, Fuck you!
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Happy New Year
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Lessons we can learn from around us
We have a lot to learn from King Bruce and the fucking spider and stories like that. Actually, we have just one thing to learn from each of those stories like maybe from the ants, on how they keep going on and on and on carrying if I remember correctly, eight times their own weight. Ancient wisdom that has been passed on for years has taught us to live by learning from the animals and insects. I'd usually ask, look where it's got us! But, I am going to change my attitude (I know that is hard to believe) a little and make an attempt to tell similar stories, lessons we can learn from around us.
1. Mosquitoes
Ah, the noble creatures of blood-sucking nature. They will do anything to suck your blood. They'll keep coming at you again and again despite they know they weigh less than your nail. To test, peel your nail and weigh it on the scales with a mosquito. Make sure you use rather delicate scales. They keep coming at you, hungry as ever, buzzing around you, getting smacked, losing their lives and yet they never learn. Their fat blood-filled selves can be seen clinging onto the walls in the morning, at least the ones that survived your slaughter. Lesson to be learnt: There is always enough blood! If your competitor is stronger, bigger, heavier, there is a good chance you will die but if you don't you're gonna be squished in the morning when you can't carry your own weight.
2. Frogs
Noble, really noble creatures, the frogs. There's a lot that you can learn from them. First and foremost, optimism. No matter how ugly, slimy and green you are and however sure you are that nobody will kiss you, you should keep croaking for a princess. God knows you maybe the Prince, cursed by a ton of bad luck, waiting for the kiss that will transform you into a star. So no matter how ugly, fat, sick, unhygienic you look, you can live your life proudly hopping from one lotus leaf to another in the hope that you'll find a sugardaddy or sugarmommy till one day when you'll just croak. (See, what I did there with the croak pun.) Unfortunately, if you're a toad, we can't help you. So try and be a frog, unleash your inner uglies and stick your tongue out ever so often. Who knows, you might just catch a fly.
Yes, more to come. I hope I keep learning from the many wise (and soon to be extinct) creatures around us so I can educate the rest of you. And no, we're not going to learn anything from the cockroaches. They can't be wise because they're never going to go extinct.
1. Mosquitoes
Ah, the noble creatures of blood-sucking nature. They will do anything to suck your blood. They'll keep coming at you again and again despite they know they weigh less than your nail. To test, peel your nail and weigh it on the scales with a mosquito. Make sure you use rather delicate scales. They keep coming at you, hungry as ever, buzzing around you, getting smacked, losing their lives and yet they never learn. Their fat blood-filled selves can be seen clinging onto the walls in the morning, at least the ones that survived your slaughter. Lesson to be learnt: There is always enough blood! If your competitor is stronger, bigger, heavier, there is a good chance you will die but if you don't you're gonna be squished in the morning when you can't carry your own weight.
2. Frogs
Noble, really noble creatures, the frogs. There's a lot that you can learn from them. First and foremost, optimism. No matter how ugly, slimy and green you are and however sure you are that nobody will kiss you, you should keep croaking for a princess. God knows you maybe the Prince, cursed by a ton of bad luck, waiting for the kiss that will transform you into a star. So no matter how ugly, fat, sick, unhygienic you look, you can live your life proudly hopping from one lotus leaf to another in the hope that you'll find a sugardaddy or sugarmommy till one day when you'll just croak. (See, what I did there with the croak pun.) Unfortunately, if you're a toad, we can't help you. So try and be a frog, unleash your inner uglies and stick your tongue out ever so often. Who knows, you might just catch a fly.
Yes, more to come. I hope I keep learning from the many wise (and soon to be extinct) creatures around us so I can educate the rest of you. And no, we're not going to learn anything from the cockroaches. They can't be wise because they're never going to go extinct.
Monday, October 20, 2008
I lend my support to the smokers...
I don't smoke and I don't intend to as of now but I totally support the smokers' rights which are severely abused by the so-called Human Rights activists and the anti-smoking lobby and so this post goes out to all the smokers in their support--
I wish all of you who support the smokers' rights, link this image on their blogs, somewhere. It doesn't matter if the authorities see this or this post inspires a revolution that will change the world because in all probability it won't but I still insist on taking a stand. I also know there won't be any revolution coming our way anytime soon but what the heck! Like we care! But we still insist on showing our unapologetic support to freedom!
Original Video by Tex Williams: http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=dbKQklwNScA
I wish all of you who support the smokers' rights, link this image on their blogs, somewhere. It doesn't matter if the authorities see this or this post inspires a revolution that will change the world because in all probability it won't but I still insist on taking a stand. I also know there won't be any revolution coming our way anytime soon but what the heck! Like we care! But we still insist on showing our unapologetic support to freedom!
Original Video by Tex Williams: http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=dbKQklwNScA
Friday, September 19, 2008
Nonsensical Stories, but still Stories - V
Welcome to yet another edition of Nonsensical Stories, but still Stories. I really don't care if you've read the past four editions or not but for your own better, I'd advise you to. I'm not going to go through the effort of finding and posting the links to earlier four editions, you can do that yourself.
23. Holy Child
Once upon a time in a distant land, there lived an orphan. People called him the holy child because he could recite any scripture from any religion ever since he learnt to talk. Most people didn't understand what he was saying originally because he was reciting the old testament and sometimes even other scriptures in Pali. He had no control over what scripture he would vomit as a kid. So people thought he was a retard and they made him go work at a tea shop. Then one day, people recognised the whole Tulsidas' Ramayana coming out of his mouth which the idiots understood and fell at his feet. His tea became holy tea. They kept insisting he be taken away and treated like a king since this was the return of God himself but he refused. He had already found his simple joy in the simple art of tea making. It was his zen spiritual guide, the boiling tea leaves and their randomness, the impermanence of sugar as it dissolved and the ever changing and evolving colour of the liquid in the vessel.
The End.
24. A Sentence
Sentence was a good girl. She was named so because she never really completed her sentences as a young kid and her father and mother were famous grammar teachers in their city. They were really embarassed of her since they expected their child born out of their eight parts of speech conception to be really perfect. One day, she met a man named Full Stop. His father's name was Bus and his mother's name was Shopper's. They flirted, then there were sparks and then some romance. On a moon-lit night, on a park bench, she looked into his eyes and said: "You complete me" Their marriage was quite a riot. Her parents were finally happy. Soon they had twins Phrase and Clause. Tragedy struck when Full was working hard and he fell into a comma. A lonely Sentence didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to take care of her two kids. Soon, she came across a handsome but mismatched gay couple since they couldn't really do anything together. They just had the same surname, Question and Exclamation Mark. The unhappy couple realised that they both fell in love with Sentence at the same time. They loved each other as well. Thus started a polyamorous relationship between the three. They had eight more kids... C'mon you really want me to tell you the names? Don't you freaking get the pattern by now?! Jeez! I can't believe you aren't chasing me with a fucking sickle for writing this!
The End.
25. Strength and Courage
No, they were not two boys or two girls. They were just strength and courage. They helped a king win a war, a boy fight a bully, a wife beat her drunk husband and a fool die a miserable death.
The End
26. Sex, Whores, Dudes and Double Standards
[title credit to Phil from teh cult]
Guys hate it when girls have slept with as many people, or more than they have. Guys just want to be seed-throwers, so when girls start doing that and in order to compete they start throwing their eggs around, the guys get a complex! They go like "OI! only seeds can be thrown not eggs you dumb whore! Eggs fall and crack open and they're a waste anyways." And then the women go like, "Ow yeah! Fuck off piggyfucking bastard! I will throw eggs too and your mum threw them too!" Then the man goes: "Seeds can be sown and they grow into plants to bear fruits!" Then Paris Hilton says: "Fuck off, man-bitch! Haven't you ever eaten eggplant!" And the rest of womankind feels very sad.
The End.
[More, but later...]
23. Holy Child
Once upon a time in a distant land, there lived an orphan. People called him the holy child because he could recite any scripture from any religion ever since he learnt to talk. Most people didn't understand what he was saying originally because he was reciting the old testament and sometimes even other scriptures in Pali. He had no control over what scripture he would vomit as a kid. So people thought he was a retard and they made him go work at a tea shop. Then one day, people recognised the whole Tulsidas' Ramayana coming out of his mouth which the idiots understood and fell at his feet. His tea became holy tea. They kept insisting he be taken away and treated like a king since this was the return of God himself but he refused. He had already found his simple joy in the simple art of tea making. It was his zen spiritual guide, the boiling tea leaves and their randomness, the impermanence of sugar as it dissolved and the ever changing and evolving colour of the liquid in the vessel.
The End.
24. A Sentence
Sentence was a good girl. She was named so because she never really completed her sentences as a young kid and her father and mother were famous grammar teachers in their city. They were really embarassed of her since they expected their child born out of their eight parts of speech conception to be really perfect. One day, she met a man named Full Stop. His father's name was Bus and his mother's name was Shopper's. They flirted, then there were sparks and then some romance. On a moon-lit night, on a park bench, she looked into his eyes and said: "You complete me" Their marriage was quite a riot. Her parents were finally happy. Soon they had twins Phrase and Clause. Tragedy struck when Full was working hard and he fell into a comma. A lonely Sentence didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to take care of her two kids. Soon, she came across a handsome but mismatched gay couple since they couldn't really do anything together. They just had the same surname, Question and Exclamation Mark. The unhappy couple realised that they both fell in love with Sentence at the same time. They loved each other as well. Thus started a polyamorous relationship between the three. They had eight more kids... C'mon you really want me to tell you the names? Don't you freaking get the pattern by now?! Jeez! I can't believe you aren't chasing me with a fucking sickle for writing this!
The End.
25. Strength and Courage
No, they were not two boys or two girls. They were just strength and courage. They helped a king win a war, a boy fight a bully, a wife beat her drunk husband and a fool die a miserable death.
The End
26. Sex, Whores, Dudes and Double Standards
[title credit to Phil from teh cult]
Guys hate it when girls have slept with as many people, or more than they have. Guys just want to be seed-throwers, so when girls start doing that and in order to compete they start throwing their eggs around, the guys get a complex! They go like "OI! only seeds can be thrown not eggs you dumb whore! Eggs fall and crack open and they're a waste anyways." And then the women go like, "Ow yeah! Fuck off piggyfucking bastard! I will throw eggs too and your mum threw them too!" Then the man goes: "Seeds can be sown and they grow into plants to bear fruits!" Then Paris Hilton says: "Fuck off, man-bitch! Haven't you ever eaten eggplant!" And the rest of womankind feels very sad.
The End.
[More, but later...]
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Postcards from the Super...
Dear Jugal,
Old Jungle Saying, Ghost who walks no write letters, only use talking drums.
Phan-tom
~~
Dear Jugal,
Last time it wasn't bad timing, it was me.
Bzzzz, Splat! (& Love)
Orgazmo
Dear Jugal,
The princess is in the next castle and she's MINE MINE MINE MINE! Pling!
Taeun Taeun Taeun Taeun Taeun,
Mario
Dear Jugal,
No, you can't make babies with me! I'm 3D art!
Deep Heaving Breath,
Lara Croft
P.S.: Stop staring at my tits and concentrate on the game. Even with the cheats on, I don't enjoy being hit so often. I know you've not read anything after my sign-off line.
~~Dear Jugal,
I am not a superhero! I'm just a figure skater! Stop listening to those 4 white-trash potty-mouth American kids! So next time you're in deep shit, for heaven's sake DO NOT ASK YOURSELF, "What would Brian Boitano do?" Because every time you say that a little seal in the Arctic suffers a horrible death!
Brian Boitano.
P.S.: Why is this letter even here?!
~~Dear Jugal,
Thwack!
Chuck Norris.
Dear Jugal,
I am your father.
Yours forceibly,
Darth Vader aka Anakin "Papa" Skywalker
P.S.:
Dear Jugal,
I'm sorry Gaia forgot to send you a ring. She just used her Planet Vision to notice your country. You see India wasn't an ethnic cliche in America when I was still on air. Well, we're not saving the world anymore from the rest of mankind so consider this an invitation to come hang out with us for some beers at the island.
The power is yours!
(I'm your hero
Gonna take pollution
Down to zero!)
... and also the planeteers.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
My New Rant: STFU, EcoBitches!
Maybe I'm just lazy or maybe I have a point but I think all you ecological preservation bitches should shut up! You can't save the fucking world if it's really plummeting down! You're too small, too insignificant and no despite whichever great man said what strong will and a bunch of sorry ass hypocrites forming a group CAN'T change history.
Global Warming-Schwarming, My Fat Indian Ass! I still don't believe that humans single-handedly farted so much that the CO2 Levels reached to the point of Greenhouse effect! Maybe they naturally were meant to rise as a pattern, stop blinding yourself to other possibilities and arguments! Nothing is a concrete theory, half of it is assumption promoted by political propaganda as well!
Animal Extinction: Wake Up! It's called Evolution! So if a stupid panda goes extinct, IT IS MEANT TO! It's like a bad magazine going out of circulation! You don't cling to bad magazines or watch bad sitcoms so STOP CLINGING ONTO THE ANIMALS! A few million years and the superhuman will put YOU in a cage and come to watch you in the Living History Museum, ACCEPT IT unless of course you go fucking extinct and the cockroaches survive everything and become the next super intelligent beings! If you go extinct, ACCEPT IT, you were the weaker species who caused your own destruction and couldn't survive the living conditions you created for yourself!
Yeah, we may have fucked up the planet but come on it's a human right that you inherited by having what they call "intelligence". Don't waste it!
You really really really want to be scared of something and work for some cause? Work against Religion and God and War! Try to make sure Religion goes extinct! It's not ecological exploitation that will cause human extinction but it sure as hell will be one big-god-ass war! Be scared of yourself, other humans and be scared of the government, be scared of power, be scared of population! Ask people to STOP FUCKING when women are ovulating! There's a difference between procreational and recreational sex! We'll drown in our own flesh and blood if we keep copulating at this rate! But then maybe that just will imply that some of us will become animalistic slaves to the elitists!
P.S.: Don't trust the Chinese government! The people and food and kung fu are nice!
(This is a rant and may be edited at a later stage if something else strikes me when I read this again tomorrow.)
Global Warming-Schwarming, My Fat Indian Ass! I still don't believe that humans single-handedly farted so much that the CO2 Levels reached to the point of Greenhouse effect! Maybe they naturally were meant to rise as a pattern, stop blinding yourself to other possibilities and arguments! Nothing is a concrete theory, half of it is assumption promoted by political propaganda as well!
Animal Extinction: Wake Up! It's called Evolution! So if a stupid panda goes extinct, IT IS MEANT TO! It's like a bad magazine going out of circulation! You don't cling to bad magazines or watch bad sitcoms so STOP CLINGING ONTO THE ANIMALS! A few million years and the superhuman will put YOU in a cage and come to watch you in the Living History Museum, ACCEPT IT unless of course you go fucking extinct and the cockroaches survive everything and become the next super intelligent beings! If you go extinct, ACCEPT IT, you were the weaker species who caused your own destruction and couldn't survive the living conditions you created for yourself!
Yeah, we may have fucked up the planet but come on it's a human right that you inherited by having what they call "intelligence". Don't waste it!
You really really really want to be scared of something and work for some cause? Work against Religion and God and War! Try to make sure Religion goes extinct! It's not ecological exploitation that will cause human extinction but it sure as hell will be one big-god-ass war! Be scared of yourself, other humans and be scared of the government, be scared of power, be scared of population! Ask people to STOP FUCKING when women are ovulating! There's a difference between procreational and recreational sex! We'll drown in our own flesh and blood if we keep copulating at this rate! But then maybe that just will imply that some of us will become animalistic slaves to the elitists!
P.S.: Don't trust the Chinese government! The people and food and kung fu are nice!
(This is a rant and may be edited at a later stage if something else strikes me when I read this again tomorrow.)
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
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