Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Nonsensical Stories, but still Stories - III

By popular request of the author coughs, I am reviving the Nonsensical Stories, but still Stories.


13. The Bakery
There were five bakers sitting in a row. Each one had an oven. By the evening they had ready on display: Cake, Cookies, Bread Loaves, Cupcakes and Pastries. In a few hours all the produce was sold and the five bakers went to the bar for a drink. Four of them had tequila shots and one of them had a JD on the rocks. Three of them went home with a woman each. Two of them went home with each other.

The End.


14. The Lady
She was famous. She liked having rampant casual sex. The gossiping aunties said about her that she had a cave between her legs where men got lost and it took them a few days to find their way back.

One day, the aunties went out picnicking. They spread out a mat in the green grass and ate and gossiped some more. A one-legged elf, about a foot tall hopped up to them and asked them, "Would you want to meet young studs who would fuck even you?"

The aunties offended but tempted, reluctantly said, "Hmmm... are you sure?"

"As sure as the Pied Piper of Hamelin was when he promised to dispose the rats."

He hopped on as they followed him into a cave, the end of which there was a lot of light. There they met the young men who were ready as ever to jump them. The elf vanished, and the aunties were fucked till they didn't any longer want it and soon they were raped and one after the other they died of sexual asphyxation.

The End.


15. The Anthem
The Government promised to cover him with gold if he composed the most beautiful anthem in the world. He sat with all his instruments and recording equipment, locking himself up in his studio and meditated.

He wanted to make sure he caught the spirit of the nation. He did. He came out with the most beautiful one minute and twenty one seconds. When the government heard it, they covered him in gold. When the people heard it, there was no longer a government.

The End.


16. Fire in the mountain
"Fire in the mountain! Run Run Run!"
"Fire in the mountain! Run Run Run!"
There was chaos everywhere. One British man stood there, sipping his tea and reading the paper. One of the panic-stricken people came up to him and chanted, "Fire in the mountain! Run Run Run!"
"Oh relax, mate. I'd say the jolly old mountain just has a gas problem or something. He's just breaking wind."
"Fire in the mountain! Run Run Run!"
"What?"
Because he was cool and calm and everything like that, the running man believed him. He stopped his spot-running and poured himself a cup of tea from the British man's teapot, borrowed the funnies section of the newspaper and stood there chuckling to himself. And soon, there was one man after the other and another. Finally, when all men got together near the Briton, he got on top of his tea table and said, "Can someone get some Antacids please? Don't forget the anti-nauseatic pills too, else we might be facing the threat of a volcano."

Two truckloads of Gelusil (strawberry flavoured) and Domstal were emptied into the lava core of the mountain. The Briton was raised on the arms of the people who were running panic-stricken. The mountain exploded right then leaving a huge crater below it and a flying Briton who landed in Calcutta.

The End.


17. Flight of Lights
It was a sunny day in Heaven as it always is. Lord Ram was resting and it was somewhere around October and November on Earth. Orville walks up to Rama and says, "Dude, this is not happening!"

Ram pulls up his shades and looks at Orville standing over his head, puzzled. His facial expression says WTF but his mouth doesn't because you're not allowed to cuss in heaven.

Orville: "A few fucking fictional centuries ago you landed in an airplane which looked like a swan or something and people started celebrating that landing, it turned into a bloody festival of lights!"

Ram: "Huh?"

Wilbur catches up, panting (of course he didn't fly, he ran this distance): "You stole that plane too! You didn't fucking invent it."

Ram, leaning forward, whispers: "Can you cut down on the expletives, God gets really pissed off, you know. Sit down, have a drink, we'll talk about it."

Orville, pointing his fingers: "How? How can you be so cool about everything?! I am damn pissed! I want a festival of lights in the country I landed! I don't care."

Ram: "Are you in a tale of epic proportions? Was your wife stolen?"

"No."

"Did she ride back with you in that first flight?"

"Heck dude, we didn't even marry because we wanted to build the airplane!"

"Well, no wonder you don't have a festival for you."

"Huh?"

"See, for any story to be a hit, you need a woman. A love interest. Go watch The Rules of the Game and learn that. So when you land with your love interest and not ON your love interest, the story is a hit and a festival follows. You passed, son, you needed a feminine touch. Now, go back and play with your toys."

(Co-conceptualised with fellow nonsense connoisseur Sharan T.)
The End.

-- more in the third edition to come soon, right now out of nonsense --

4 comments:

Shreeji said...

What NAUNSENSE!

Mallu professor accent

anu said...

amaaaaaaazing.... i like i like

Rochelle said...

13 and 15 were good & 16 wazzz the best

:)


write on write on

Anonymous said...

wat do you eat huh?