Friday, September 19, 2008

Nonsensical Stories, but still Stories - V

Welcome to yet another edition of Nonsensical Stories, but still Stories. I really don't care if you've read the past four editions or not but for your own better, I'd advise you to. I'm not going to go through the effort of finding and posting the links to earlier four editions, you can do that yourself.

23. Holy Child
Once upon a time in a distant land, there lived an orphan. People called him the holy child because he could recite any scripture from any religion ever since he learnt to talk. Most people didn't understand what he was saying originally because he was reciting the old testament and sometimes even other scriptures in Pali. He had no control over what scripture he would vomit as a kid. So people thought he was a retard and they made him go work at a tea shop. Then one day, people recognised the whole Tulsidas' Ramayana coming out of his mouth which the idiots understood and fell at his feet. His tea became holy tea. They kept insisting he be taken away and treated like a king since this was the return of God himself but he refused. He had already found his simple joy in the simple art of tea making. It was his zen spiritual guide, the boiling tea leaves and their randomness, the impermanence of sugar as it dissolved and the ever changing and evolving colour of the liquid in the vessel.

The End.

24. A Sentence
Sentence was a good girl. She was named so because she never really completed her sentences as a young kid and her father and mother were famous grammar teachers in their city. They were really embarassed of her since they expected their child born out of their eight parts of speech conception to be really perfect. One day, she met a man named Full Stop. His father's name was Bus and his mother's name was Shopper's. They flirted, then there were sparks and then some romance. On a moon-lit night, on a park bench, she looked into his eyes and said: "You complete me" Their marriage was quite a riot. Her parents were finally happy. Soon they had twins Phrase and Clause. Tragedy struck when Full was working hard and he fell into a comma. A lonely Sentence didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to take care of her two kids. Soon, she came across a handsome but mismatched gay couple since they couldn't really do anything together. They just had the same surname, Question and Exclamation Mark. The unhappy couple realised that they both fell in love with Sentence at the same time. They loved each other as well. Thus started a polyamorous relationship between the three. They had eight more kids... C'mon you really want me to tell you the names? Don't you freaking get the pattern by now?! Jeez! I can't believe you aren't chasing me with a fucking sickle for writing this!

The End.

25. Strength and Courage
No, they were not two boys or two girls. They were just strength and courage. They helped a king win a war, a boy fight a bully, a wife beat her drunk husband and a fool die a miserable death.

The End

26. Sex, Whores, Dudes and Double Standards
[title credit to Phil from teh cult]
Guys hate it when girls have slept with as many people, or more than they have. Guys just want to be seed-throwers, so when girls start doing that and in order to compete they start throwing their eggs around, the guys get a complex! They go like "OI! only seeds can be thrown not eggs you dumb whore! Eggs fall and crack open and they're a waste anyways." And then the women go like, "Ow yeah! Fuck off piggyfucking bastard! I will throw eggs too and your mum threw them too!" Then the man goes: "Seeds can be sown and they grow into plants to bear fruits!" Then Paris Hilton says: "Fuck off, man-bitch! Haven't you ever eaten eggplant!" And the rest of womankind feels very sad.

The End.

[More, but later...]

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Postcards from the Super...

Dear Jugal,

Old Jungle Saying, Ghost who walks no write letters, only use talking drums.



Dear Jugal,
Last time it wasn't bad timing, it was me.

Bzzzz, Splat! (& Love)


Dear Jugal,
The princess is in the next castle and she's MINE MINE MINE MINE! Pling!

Taeun Taeun Taeun Taeun Taeun,


Dear Jugal,
No, you can't make babies with me! I'm 3D art!

Deep Heaving Breath,
Lara Croft

P.S.: Stop staring at my tits and concentrate on the game. Even with the cheats on, I don't enjoy being hit so often. I know you've not read anything after my sign-off line.


Dear Jugal,
I am not a superhero! I'm just a figure skater! Stop listening to those 4 white-trash potty-mouth American kids! So next time you're in deep shit, for heaven's sake DO NOT ASK YOURSELF, "What would Brian Boitano do?" Because every time you say that a little seal in the Arctic suffers a horrible death!

Brian Boitano.

P.S.: Why is this letter even here?!


Dear Jugal,

Chuck Norris.


Dear Jugal,
I am your father.

Yours forceibly,
Darth Vader aka Anakin "Papa" Skywalker



Dear Jugal,

I'm sorry Gaia forgot to send you a ring. She just used her Planet Vision to notice your country. You see India wasn't an ethnic cliche in America when I was still on air. Well, we're not saving the world anymore from the rest of mankind so consider this an invitation to come hang out with us for some beers at the island.

The power is yours!

(I'm your hero
Gonna take pollution
Down to zero!)

... and also the planeteers.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

My New Rant: STFU, EcoBitches!

Maybe I'm just lazy or maybe I have a point but I think all you ecological preservation bitches should shut up! You can't save the fucking world if it's really plummeting down! You're too small, too insignificant and no despite whichever great man said what strong will and a bunch of sorry ass hypocrites forming a group CAN'T change history.

Global Warming-Schwarming, My Fat Indian Ass! I still don't believe that humans single-handedly farted so much that the CO2 Levels reached to the point of Greenhouse effect! Maybe they naturally were meant to rise as a pattern, stop blinding yourself to other possibilities and arguments! Nothing is a concrete theory, half of it is assumption promoted by political propaganda as well!

Animal Extinction: Wake Up! It's called Evolution! So if a stupid panda goes extinct, IT IS MEANT TO! It's like a bad magazine going out of circulation! You don't cling to bad magazines or watch bad sitcoms so STOP CLINGING ONTO THE ANIMALS! A few million years and the superhuman will put YOU in a cage and come to watch you in the Living History Museum, ACCEPT IT unless of course you go fucking extinct and the cockroaches survive everything and become the next super intelligent beings! If you go extinct, ACCEPT IT, you were the weaker species who caused your own destruction and couldn't survive the living conditions you created for yourself!

Yeah, we may have fucked up the planet but come on it's a human right that you inherited by having what they call "intelligence". Don't waste it!

You really really really want to be scared of something and work for some cause? Work against Religion and God and War! Try to make sure Religion goes extinct! It's not ecological exploitation that will cause human extinction but it sure as hell will be one big-god-ass war! Be scared of yourself, other humans and be scared of the government, be scared of power, be scared of population! Ask people to STOP FUCKING when women are ovulating! There's a difference between procreational and recreational sex! We'll drown in our own flesh and blood if we keep copulating at this rate! But then maybe that just will imply that some of us will become animalistic slaves to the elitists!

P.S.: Don't trust the Chinese government! The people and food and kung fu are nice!

(This is a rant and may be edited at a later stage if something else strikes me when I read this again tomorrow.)