Monday, April 03, 2006

It was a calm and bright morning (contd.)

Wack! The next time when he came to, he saw a tall thin negro offering him an orange.

"Where am I?"

The negro said in a very strange accent, "You want orange, man from box from India?"

"Where the fuck am I?"

"The orange is very juicy. Here try using that to come back to senses." He held the orange to his head for sometime and mumbled something as our fedora man started looking for where he was. It seemed like a primitive hut in some forest.

A huge DHL marked box was placed inside that room, upside down where the negro had kept a fruit assortment. In a few seconds the negro squeezed the orange onto the man's forehead with all his might.

"What the fuck?! Where am I?"

"This is Kenya. Hello I'm Mwamba and I am a member of the Masai tribe here. This is one of the last few rural areas left where original traditions and religion is followed. Everywhere else they've modernised. You're our first modern gift from mankind. You came by DHL service addressed to me. I've been promoted as leader of my tribe. Thanks to you. You're the man who come in all black to absord all the heat from us in the summer and cool us down. Hence, first I cool you down with orange juice. That's what you foreigners drink in summer, right? I had to import this one from the city - not a good omen but anything for you."

"How do you know so good english?"

"I spent five years in New York."

"What the heck?"

"I was about to be selected for a basket ball team for NYSU but later on they become racist and tell me I am animal from Africa."

"You claim this vilage be unadulterated?"

"Only legend. The chief's daughter be made love to by white man two years back."

"Whatever. See dude, I last remember being Shanghai."

"Yes, I know. The DHL man said to me, that this parcel was from China."

"I'm damn hungry." Then he started feasting on the fruits that were placed on his 'vehicle' as the negro called it.

Later the man and the negro took a walk in the village. There was only one white child playing there with the whole lot of black children. Our man couldn't help but ask, "Whose child is this?"

"No one is supposed to say. We supposed to say that no one knows. He be white god's child."

"God's child?"

Wack! The next time he wakes up the negro's offering him another orange. He grabs it and eats it with the peel. The negro says, "No insulting the child or white god."

"Who is white god?"

"No asking questions."

The man shrugs.

"How did you know I was Indian and how do you know where to hit me like the Chinese do?"

"Chinese be good people. They send me letter with diagrams and explanations on how to tackle a foolish Indian like you. Here see this."

There was a nice airport safety brochure styled but with anime-figures drawn on a piece of paper. The man who was being hit in the picture didn't look like our man, he had big anime-eyes but he had the same clothes that the fedora man was wearing since the last howmanyever number of days. That stink from his body made him think of what date was it. But before he could ask, the negro turned a page and said, "You see that picture here. They describe how to switch you on and off. You be a good chinese toy, Indian."

"What date is it?"

"One week since your first blow the chinese girl hit you for calling a korean a chinese."

"How do you know that?"

"They make anime-comic of that too and send from Okinawa."

Our man stopped caring all of a sudden and said he wanted to meet white god. He wanted to pray for well being of his family and so that he could return back home soon. In truth he had no family, he was an orphan but considered every street child his family. Some times he thought he must be having some family somewhere far away - he would pray for them.

"Where is white god temple?"

Sometime later the negro and our man are standing next to a wooden small church on the outskirts of the village, "This is no freaking temple, it's a village."

Suddenly it began dawning on our man. It was the case of every missionary joke. The missionary must've fucked the chief's daughter and he must be called the 'white god'. And then Mwamba took him inside and pointed at Jesus Christ and said, this is the white god. He was born without sex and he has given birth without sex. The chief's daughter is still safe and clean and pure. I might marry her next year.

"Who sold you this junk?"

"Messenger of the white god."

"Bullshit. You people are dumb long legged ancient stupid fools with brains in your pingpong ball sized kneecaps. Some white fucker fucked your chief's daughter and your chief and that white priest are fooling you completely."

Wack! The next time he woke up, all he remembered hearing was, "Usted es loco?"

(to be continued)


The Wizard of Odd said...


that bit abt the reason why he was praying? Think abt trimming it, I dont think it really needs to be there.

Also watch Mwamba's dialect. Also hit enter after the last "Wack!"

'm lovin' this :D

Jugal said...


balihai said...

you on a world tour?
or did you just digest an atlas?

*fun reading*